john

il warn you this blog is going to be a bit of a rant but i need to talk ad its 7am hear so there are not many peopleto talk to, even if i could talk to someoe i find this subject hard even when i rly do want to talk about it, i feel like i have to explain everything from the start to myself to make it make a little bit more sence to get to some answers so hear it goes....

i want to talk about john. john was my boyfriend, he was fransescas father and a wonderful beautiful person who i still love with all my heart.

almost exactly a year ago, june 27th to be exact john left our house that we livied in he was going to a friends graduaition party and then staying at his moms cos it was closer to wear the party was and he didnt want to come home late at night and disturb me and the baby. he went to the party and phoned me about midnight to say he was going back to his moms early cos he wasnt having a great time at the party he sed he would phone me in the morning when he got up and we end our conversaiton with our normal good night and i love you like we always did. the next morning i woke up with fransesca early and we set about doing the things we had to that day. i hadnt heard from john yet but i thought he had sut slept in or forgot to phone i wasnt worried.
at about 3 that afternoon my mom and my sister came over, this wasnt unusual they came to visit alot we sat in the kitchin and i started making some coffee then my mom asked me to stop and sed she had to tell me somthing. i stood agenst the sink and looked over at avril and my mom, avril had her head down and looked very upset mom had the same sad look in her face,i will never ever forget the looks on there faces that day. i thought maby my grandma had died as she had bein ill a few weeks before then my mom sed "is john" thats all she sed i remember asking wat was going on and she se they had found his body behind his parents house a few hours ago. i imediatley thought he had bein murderd but it turned out that he killed himself about an hour after he got of the phone with me. the next few days were a blur i can bairly remember a thing i didnt want to talk to anyone eat or sleep my hole world had jsut fallen around me it was awful. i stayed at johns parents house the days leading up to the funeral his body was plassed in the house and it was an open coffen. i remember the day the coffen was closed the night before the funeral.i went into the room and stood by him for a long time then it was time to close his coffen his imediate family and i stood around him my sister stood beside me i think she was there to hold me up cos i cud bairly walk with the grief that was running through me. watching his coffin being carried into the church was so hard at the end they played a song by a british band called coldplay the song was fix you it was very fitting to the day. my favrout line in that song is "lights will guied you home and i will try to fix you"

each day got easier but i still dont understand why this happend.i listin to songs that make me think of him and i get crazy angrey with him for doing this and not talking to someone it makes me so mad that he could be so selfish but i hope now he is in a happier place. i see him in fransesca she looks a bit like him she does things that he done and has his laugh.il love him forever for giving me fransesca and ilnever ever forgethim and i dont think i will ever stop missing him. this week is going to be tough cos it will be exactly a year since it happend, and right now i cant stop thinking about this timelast year when iwas so happy and i thought he was to.but apparently the first year is the hardest and now i feel like i am ready to move on


glad im finished that post i need to get all that off my chest even tho its bein told a thosand times.im almost scared to forget wat i felt.

il do a happy update later:)